This is going to be long. I can’t promise that it will be worth your while. But hopefully you’ll see how things are great for you. I met my ex-fiance, Steven, in 2008 on myspace. We talked online for a few weeks, then we talked on the phone, finally we actually met in person. We lived in the same town, he was 23 and I was 20. I will skip a lot of details but i will mention a few to make my point.
2009. My life did a complete 180 and he was there to help me through the hard times. I always was grateful that he was in my life because I was lost without him.
2010. We decided to move in together. I had never been happier. EVER. This was the start of something new and amazing in my life with this man.
Somewhere along the lines, the definition of being in love with you got redefined. We set rules, stating that if one of us ever cheated, there was no fixing this relationship, EVER.
2011. Towards the end of August I found out that I was pregnant. I was freaked to say the least, he was happy. I was mind blown at his reaction. We had talked about this happening because we were both in a committed relationship and we were having sex. We had been together three years so this was it for me.
I knew that one day I would marry this man and know I was starting a family with him. I was happy. Despite all of our fights and our problems in our past, we were starting new.
We had talked about getting married on our anniversary so when September rolled around I couldn’t think of a better time to get married. On the day of our anniversary I asked him if he wanted to go get married. He said no. Because he wanted to have a proper wedding with all his family there and what not (yet he never worked towards saving money for that proper wedding) I was heartbroken but i moved on.
On my birthday he bought myself tickets to see my favorite band. I was ecstatic. I love concerts and this was an amazing 23rd birthday gift. He knew me too well. Problem is the concert wasn’t till October. Hey it’s okay right?! I should mention this was the first time he ever bought me something as expensive as these concert tickets. So we went to the concert which was 4 hrs away in another state. I ended up paying for the gas, food, and everything else. Mind you I was 2 months pregnant this entire time. So we get home and the whole ordeal of getting married went out of my head. Then one day…
I was on FB checking out people that I might know right? Well it told me that I might know this person… well this person had a profile with one of the nicknames that my fiance back then had… I click on his profile thinking he can’t be this stupid. He was. He had the same information that his actual FB profile had. Once then I knew he had been hiding something. & I did everything in my power to hack into it. Yes, call me whatever you want but hey, I was pregnant and this wasn’t the first time this had happened with him and someone online. Now i knew that I had to get proof. Once in his profile I found messages of him sexting with another girl, now I understand if it was one time thing… it had been a couple of times and a month or two now. From then I checked his email… and he had been sexting another girl through email. Here I was almost 3 months pregnant, moving into a new house and finding out that my then boyfriend, now ex-fiance was cheating on me. I confronted him. He came home straight from work. I can’t tell you how hurt I was. The holidays were coming up and we decided to make it ‘work’ with him making up for it in any way that he could. BTW we should mention we’re pretty dysfuntional.
Side note: I work in retail. So the Holidays of 2011 were spent me being pregnant and working 40 hrs a week on my feet, coming home, cleaning, cooking, being the perfect housewife, and getting ready for a baby, while my ex fiance, sat on his butt doing nothing. So how was this making it work?
2012. I delivered a healthy baby mid year. I on the other hand went through some ordeals. Did i mention that not once did he do anything for me doing pregnancy? I stopped driving two weeks before I was supposed to give birth because it’s dangerous and he made a fight out of it… that is until his boss made him see my side of the story. This was nothing new, he never listened to anything I said unless someone else agreed with me. I think I got a foot rub, once.
My 24th birthday I spent it crying. Here I was 24, no engagement ring (I’ll explain: I always wanted to be a virgin until marriage… I ended up losing my virginity to him, from that point I thought that it was okay as long as we were married before our daughter was born… old fashioned, I know)and he still hadn’t made up for anything.
September rolls around and he proposes on our anniversary, it wasn’t even a surprise being how I knew he was going to do it. I said yes. But i didn’t think that I felt like i was supposed to feel. By the holidays i’m just trying to get through the whole ordeal that came after my pregnancy, and I’m trying to be a great mother to our daughter.
2013. Our daughter was turning one so I focused my attention on that… after she turned one it all fell apart. I was crying every night while he never knew I was unhappy. Why was I going to tell him because he never did anything about it. It always turned into the blame game and how I was so perfect and I could never do anything wrong. So I stopped caring, or telling him how I felt. He had made me cry so many time more than what he had made me smile. The last 2 years of our relationship were of me spent crying.
July2013. I postponed our wedding for a year. The truth came out that I didn’t want to get married. Especially if he was never going to change and always treat me like I was nothing. Mind you I still support us. He has a dead end job that pays nothing, literally… think of it as an internship with the occasional bonus.
August 2013. We still live together because he can’t afford to move, I on the other hand am planning to move to Maryland where I have met an amazing man who understand me when i say that I am a single mother who just got out of a five year relationship. Five years. It took me five years for me to see that I wasn’t good enough for him and that I would never be his one.
I am trying hard to move on and it’s difficult especially when I’m waking up every morning to go to work and he’s cooking me breakfast and I come home from work and there’s dinner ready with the house clean. There is such a thing as a little too late. I need to learn to let him go. I will always love him but it’s not healthy. The one thing I am trying is that I need to learn to forgive in order to be happy.
I have made some pretty stupid mistakes in my lifetime but there is nothing I can do about them now. So I just have to sit and suffer everyday with the choices I made. When I was 15 year old I met BJ and he was the guy of my dreams. He was the perfect mix of bad boy but nothing too serious just a trouble maker. We started hanging out during the summer and I would miss curfew and sneak out just to spend time with him. It was young love and he was “the one.” When school resumed in the fall, he transferred to my school and everything was perfect. I daydreamed all of the time about our future together and how wonderful everything would be. Then one day out of no where he meets me in our usual spot after school and asks me to walk with him. We got a few blocks down, and he just blurts out that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. He said that he was young and wanted to have the freedom to make new friends and date other girls if he wanted to. I was destroyed and it seemed like all he cared about was hooking up with other girls. He didn’t shed a single tear while I stood there crying a river to him, begging him not to end us like that. I stayed home from school for the rest of the week because I couldn’t even pull myself out of bed. When I went back to school a bunch of people kept asking me if I knew that BJ and this girl named Lana were going out. Of course I didn’t and when I saw the two of them holding hands in the hallway, I felt the life leave my body. This was my guy holding hands with some other girl. I had loved and supported him through a bunch of stuff in our 9 months together and I was the one who encouraged him to transfer to my school instead of whatever school the district was going to stick him in. I hated him and Lana.
About a month after BJ and Lana started going out, he starts texting me asking how I’m doing and calling me at random times to say that he was just checking in. Then he told me he missed me and that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. One night BJ came over my house and told me that he had broken up with Lana and wanted to give us another try. He said that he had missed his true love. That was the first night that BJ ever spent the night and it was amazing. We started sneaking around and spending the night together whenever we could. Lana tried to cause a bunch of drama at school with me but I already had what I wanted so there was no reason to fight her. She was just mad that I had won, she tried to steal my man and lost. One weekend, I was with my cousin and a few friends getting dresses for our Spring formal. I had been sick with a flu the past week and still didn’t feel good. While we were at the mall I started to feel awful like I was going to pass out. I got the chills and had horrible stomach pains. My cousin thought something was seriously wrong, so she called my mom to come get me. My mom drove me to the emergency room. They thought I might have appendicitis or something, but they had to do some other tests first. One of the doctors comes back into my room and tells me that I was pregnant. he said something else about seeing my OBGYN and other stuff that I couldn’t hear because I was in total shock. My mom was so mad at me that she didn’t say anything. When we got home she told my dad and they made me call BJ over. When he got there they started yelling at us and asking how we planned to take care of a baby and why we had been so stupid. BJ was pissed, saying that I had done something to trap him and then he got into a huge argument with my dad. I decided that I was keeping the baby because it was the right thing to do. When I went to talk to B at school the next week, he was sitting against the railing on the field with Lana wrapped in his arms! I went crazy and wanted to know what the f#@k was up! He just looked at me like he didn’t even know who I was and says “I’m in high school and you want to play mommy. I’ve got a girlfriend so go find your baby’s daddy or something!” So now I’m going to be raising my baby on my own and I have to get a DNA test to prove that BJ is the dad. Great way to start Junior year!
So months ago I met a boy and became friends. I didn’t even like him at first but somehow he wormed his way into my heart. <3. He would text me all day while he was at work and we’d see each other any time we weren’t busy. It all seemed perfect. We were so affectionate and fun together. Eventually he told me he loved me. Soon after I said it back. Fast forward a month; he was supposed to come see me and he didn’t. He texts me: “We need to breakup this isn’t working out.” He went through three different excuses as to why it’s over! First it’s that he’s so busy and he can’t have much time for me. Then it’s a heartbreaking we don’t have chemistry. And as of yesterday he decided that he’s just sad all the time and doesn’t want to talk to anyone anymore… At least two of those were complete bs.
I dated Harry for over three years and I thought he was the one. We took things slow at first and really got to know each other. He became so much more than a boyfriend. he was my best friend, someone who meant the world to me. Harry and I loved to travel, and with us both having jobs in web and graphic design, we mostly telecommuted, so we could work from anywhere. There were so many times where I just sat back and smiled, in disbelief that this was really my life. One instance was when we were sitting on the back porch of a Hawaiian beach house we had rented for the week, and another was at around 1 AM one night in a Las Vegas hotel suite. I just couldn’t believe that I was making great money working for myself, could travel whenever I wanted, and had the love of my life right there with me. Things just got better from there and we eventually moved in together.
Harry and I ended up working on a big project together that took several months and kept us busy. We didn’t have as much free time as we did before, and Harry was on the go and in and out of town working on his other projects. He dropped a few hints here and there that he might be proposing soon, and I was so excited about it. Harry was terrible at keeping secrets and could never execute a surprise without letting at least one detail slip.
One evening, I was on the telephone with the client from the project Harry and I worked on together. He had a few questions for Harry and asked that I forward some files to him. I ran into our office and got on Harry’s computer to send the email. There was already a message open and all it said was “Now, does this look like I miss you or what?! xoxo.” Below was a pic of some girl in her underwear, looking totally desperate. I checked and rechecked to make sure that I was really in Harry’s email account. I then had to sit there in shock as I read through their disgusting messages, all while maintaining my composure for the client on the phone. It turned out that Harry was actually good at keeping secrets and scheming, even going so far as to send her emails that said “EMAIL ONLY. We are working in the office today.” That would have been around the time when we were busiest with the project we were working on together, and we would spend long days working in our home office. Everything I knew of this amazing man had been a lie. He had been carrying on another relationship for at least 6-7 months. Had it been longer? Had there been others? I confronted Harry the second he got home. At first he was angry that I had been in his email account, then he started with the excuses. He finally settled on it being his friend that had been using his email (which made absolutely no sense). He refused to talk about it beyond that, sticking to it being a friend of his who had sent the messages, but refusing to actually name the friend. He tried reversing the situation back on me, saying that it was a huge problem that I couldn’t trust him and that he couldn’t be with someone like that. His efforts to divert the attention away from the fact that he had been sleazing around for a good chuck of our time together were pathetic. I wasn’t stupid and I wasn’t going to be made out to be a fool. I told him to call whoever his friend was who was using his email to hook up with women, and tell him that he was responsible for us breaking up. I left that night, leaving my dream behind and heading back into the real world.
My story happened a few years back when I was 24 years old, and really out on my own for the first time. I had been at my job for a little over a year, money was good and I had recently bought a town home and my first nice car. I had worked hard and I was proud of my stuff. I had splurged a little on the car, but it had been my dream since I was younger and I could afford the monthly note without overextending myself. I dated a girl named Shana who was 21 and had some pretty unrealistic expectations of life. She had graduated college the year before we met and had been working off and on ever since. When we first started dating, she thought that because we had gone on two dates that it meant we had decided to be exclusive. I wasn’t sure where I wanted things to go with Shana, but somehow by default she became my girlfriend the day after our second date. I figured I’d just give it a go and see how things went. Things started off way too fast, which should have been confirmation enough that it wasn’t going to work between us. She spent the night one night after we had been together for about a week. No big deal, until she started to expect that she should stay the night every time we went out. We’d go to a movie or to dinner or something, and she just wouldn’t leave after. I tried being subtle and hinting that I wanted to be alone, but in her head being my girlfriend meant she always slept over. She did have some nice qualities about her, but she was way too clingy and living in a fairytale world. It was like she had never really dated, so all of her expectations of an adult relationship were based on what she saw in romance movies and teen dramas. I finally told her one night that she needed to go back to her place, that I wasn’t ready to be shacking up yet. She went off about me being a cheater and how I probably had the other girl on the way over, which is why I wanted her gone so badly. We ended up going back and forth about the matter for so long that I eventually fell asleep on the couch, which she took to mean that I had changed my mind and she was welcomed to stay. I was annoyed when I woke up at 4 AM to find her snuggled up in my bed, wearing my shirt, but I was too much of a gentleman to kick her out in the middle of the night like that, so I just got in on the other side of the bed and went back to sleep. I wanted out around the three week mark, when she started talking about us saving money together by moving in with each other! I wasn’t interested in pooling any of my money with hers and I definitely didn’t even want to think about us living together. Once she brought it up, she refused to drop it and it became the topic of almost every discussion even though I had said no at the beginning. Since I didn’t want her to misunderstand anything I was saying, I decided that the best way to break things off would be over the phone. That way, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting her to leave my house afterward or pulling some crazy movie stunt out in public. I called her and told her that I thought we would be better off going our separate ways, I said that she was a great girl and the right guy would be lucky to have her, but that I felt we both just wanted different things right now. She skipped so many levels of crazy and went straight for insane! She started yelling and crying about being used, accused me of cheating, then started saying how I was immature and didn’t have my life together. I let her get it out, and told her that I was okay with whatever she thought of me, apologized again that things didn’t work out and said goodbye. No sooner than I could hang up, I start getting all sorts of texts from her about how I never cared and how cruel and cold I was being for breaking up with her and not even crying. I ignored the messages and went to bed. The next morning, I woke up to 20 text messages that all read, “you used me and SHATTERED my DREAMS! Don’t lead people on and learn how to care for other people.” I dismissed the messages and got ready for my day. I grabbed my stuff and went outside to my car. That’s when I discovered that all of my windows had been busted, including the windshield and rear window. There was glass everywhere and huge dents in my doors. I couldn’t believe it, but seeing how my car was the only one vandalized, I knew just who it was. I called the cops but with no solid proof that it was Shana, they couldn’t do anything. The repairs cost me thousands of dollars and I hated losing a chunk of my savings to go toward fixing my dream car because of a nightmare of a girl.
I dated Cassie for nearly a year before she and I decided to get serious and move in together. Cassie had a 6 year old daughter named Selena and she and I got along really well, which made the adjustments after I moved in go really smooth. Cassie had moved with her daughter from Texas to Southern California after her divorce, and Selena would fly back every summer to stay with her dad for 3 months. I moved in about a month before Christmas, so I got more than I could stand of the real Cassie and she was a nightmare. I quickly learned that Cassie didn’t have a mind of her own, and would follow right along with whatever friend she called her BFF for the moment. If her friend dyed her hair, Cassie would suddenly become obsessed with needing to make a change and would “coincidentally” end up with a hair color that looked just like her friend’s. There was one instance in which Cassie bought the most horrendous pair of shoes ever. They cost her $200 and weren’t even available in her size, so she purchased them a full size and a half too big all because her friend had a pair and Cassie thought she would look good in them too. I told her that it was ridiculous for her to be flopping around in shoes like that just because her friend had them. Cassie put up the biggest fight I have ever seen and insisted that the shoes were perfect. As luck would have it, she ended up tripping and spraining her ankle, but she blamed that on some girl she swore tripped her out of jealousy. That girl was no where near Cassie by the way.
The biggest issue I had wasn’t with Cassie being a follower, but the amount of pressure she put on her daughter and later tried on me to be just like her friend’s kids and husbands and to do everything that they did. I had this monthly tradition of getting together with a few friends of mine and playing some flag football. Her friend Erica’s husband was a runner and would go on 10+ mile runs on the weekends, so guess what Cassie thought would be good for me to get into? Yup, she said that the monthly game with my friends was just a waste of time and I should want to act like a real grown man and go running with Erica’s husband every weekend. When I refused, she called me immature and lazy, etc. I could endure her trying to make me be like everyone else, but it was the way she was teaching her daughter to be that I truly hated and felt absolutely helpless because it wasn’t really my place to step in so soon and intervene in her parenting. That poor girl had to do every activity her friend’s kids did, whether she liked it or not. Cassie taught Selena to basically follow along with her peers, if they liked it she did too. It was like Selena’s life was all about keeping up. The blow out between us happened when the summer was approaching. Cassie found out that two of her friends had enrolled their daughters in a summer dance intensive, which would get them promoted two full levels above the one they were at now. Since Selena would be in Texas with her dad all summer, she would have to miss the dance training, meaning she would still be in the lower level once the regular year resumed. Cassie went into panic mode and starts going off about how they didn’t even tell her, and if they had that she would have been able to get Selena registered in time enough. I reminded her that Selena wouldn’t even be here, but she just ignored me and starts calling the directors of the dance school to get Selena in. She somehow managed to get her on a wait list, then she just up and cancels Selena’s trip to her dad. Selena is bawling, saying that she wants to see her dad and her other family, and all Cassie is focused on is calling her friends to tell them the good news that Selena will most likely get a spot in the dance class. Selena’s dad was pissed when Cassie finally called to tell him the visit was cancelled. He said that he was flying out to bring Selena back to Texas because it was part of their custody agreement that she would spend those 3 months with her dad. Cassie tries to pull me into the fight with this guy but I had had enough. I told her that she was acting like a desperate and obsessive psycho, forcing her daughter to skip her trip and miss out on seeing her family, just so she could take dance classes with her friends. We start going back and forth and arguing, and then she took crazy to a whole new level, saying that I was trying to sabotage her daughter and ruin her friendships. She started talking trash about the young girls in my family and how they were untalented and not really popular, and how Selena had tons of friends and was always being invited to stuff, and how amazingly talented she was for her age. I just stopped at that point because I couldn’t believe I was fighting over 6 year old’s popularity. She threatened to dump me unless I supported her on getting Selena to stay for the summer so she didn’t get left behind by her dance buddies, but I wanted no part of it. From what I knew of him, Selena’s dad was a great guy who counted the days until he could see his little girl. He didn’t have the option of relocating from Texas, so short visits throughout the year and the summer were all the time he got to spend with her. I wasn’t going to go along with Cassie’s plans to take that from him just because she was desperate to keep up.
I moved out a week later because things were just escalating and she was becoming obsessed over her daughter being just like her friends, even forcing herself onto a girl she barely knew because 3 of Selena’s friends were invited to her daughter’s sleepover. When she failed to get the invitation, she begged one of her friends to take Selena to the party, uninvited. That girl could have cared less about going, but Cassie went all out and bought her brand new PJs and a sleeping bag that was just like another friend of hers. The day before I left, Selena’s dad called to say that he was in town to pick his daughter up and take her back home with him. He even said that there was no need to pack a bunch of stuff because he took her on a huge shopping trip every year in Texas. Cassie goes into a panic and starts threatening to take him to court for full custody, and saying anything else she thought would scare him into letting Selena stay. He knew his rights and even requested that the police visit to make Selena’s departure as smooth as possible. Cassie’s performance the day Selena left was enough for me. I got out of there as fast as I could. We officially broke things off the next day. I was sad that I never got to say a proper goodbye to Selena, and felt bad that she had to grow up with that kind of pressure on her.
Cassie got just what was coming to her within a few months. I heard through a mutual friend of ours that Selena came back from Texas, having spent the entire summer playing softball with her cousins. She also found out that her step-mom was expecting a new baby. When she got back to her mom’s she quit dancing altogether, even with her mom constantly reminding her that her “best friends” all took dance. She must have gotten fed up with the pressure because she started acting out and begging to move back to Texas with her dad. I hope she got to go, so that she has the chance to be her own person.