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This story is not so much a heart-breaking dump story, as this guy and I ended things amicably; rather, it is an attempt at assuaging my own guilt of being an admitted people-user. I used this guy on a brand new level. Not proud of it, but it is what it is.
I didn’t have the greatest childhood. My mother is a special type of religious nut (she used to sit on me & pray over me in tongues until I “coughed up a demon” when I would throw a typical five year old tantrum), my father couldn’t be bothered to protect my siblings & I from her. Because TV is the most important thing ever.
At 19, I was finally having my first taste of freedom. I took night courses at a vocational school just to keep my parents off my back about college. Not that the courses helped; I decided on massage therapy courses, & was reminded every night when I got home that massage therapy has strong ties to prostitution. Thanks, guys. Along with classes, I had a full time job at KB Toys (yes, I realize I just dated myself in a bad way, but again, it is what it is).
Christmas Week 2005, I met my best friend’s cousin, “The Neanderthal.” (he was 6’6 & 300+ pounds, hence the nickname) It probably wouldn’t have developed into anything serious if I’d been content with the one-night stand. Unfortunately, with the lack of attention in my home life, I had a bad habit of swooning over any guy that gave me the time of day. Apparently the fact that I called him out for “hitting & quitting” was a sign to TN that we were meant to be together.
Six months into our relationship, TN let me know that he was accepted to an auto mechanic school out west, & he didn’t do so well with long distance relationships. He asked me to marry him that night, & I accepted. Mid summer, I let my parents know that I was moving with him. My mom’s only response? “My God, where did I go wrong!”
We moved out west in the first week of September 2006. Friends, family, even his own cousin tried telling me that I was making a huge mistake. I couldn’t make them understand why I was doing this, I wasn’t even willing to admit to myself at that point that I just wanted to get as far away from my hometown, my past, & never look back.
The first couple months out west, things were going great. We got ourselves situated into a cute little apartment, he found what I can only describe as a telemarketing job, while I found a guaranteed full-time graveyard shift position at a gas station. For the first time in 20 years, I had freedom. I controlled my schedule. I could BREATHE.
It was when TN started school that I saw the changes. I had a weekly routine set up of working Monday night to Friday morning, Friday afternoon I would do the housework before laying down & getting some sleep. One week, he asked me to leave some housework for him, so he didn’t feel so useless (he had quit his job to focus on school after only two weeks.) So, glad to have some help, I left the dishes for him. They sat in the sink for two weeks. By the time I finally admitted to myself he wasn’t going to do them, they had mold & maggots all over them.
After that revelation, I settled back into my routine & let the resentment begin to fester. My weekly paychecks went toward rent & bills, from an account that only had TN’s name on it, not mine.
It wasn’t until his first down week from school (Christmas 2006) that the fights really started. He had it set in his mind that we had to go back home every down week. I dreaded the flights back, dreaded landing, dreaded seeing family & friends. It physically hurt me to see them, to be in the same state as them again. He never could understand, which surprised me. It took those first three months out west to break me out of my shell, let me know that it was ok to speak my mind, to let me be myself & not the person my mom wanted me to be. It only took one week back home to set me right back to square one, & it irritated him on a new level.
After our second down week back home in the spring, TN let me know that he wanted to move back into the neighborhood he grew up in after school. He had a great, close-knit family. I envied him for that. But the thought of moving back to that state, being only minutes away from the hell I called home, the demons I called parents…I had a panic attack & walked out of our apartment for the night.
Fast forward to the summer of 2007. I still had my job at the gas station, still saw the same faces every morning. Then J walked in. He had never been in before, yet within the first 30 seconds he made me laugh. He was so shy, wouldn’t make eye contact with me, & became a regular after that night. I got swept up in the fact that this man didn’t ignore me, didn’t hurt me, like what had become my daily life after April. TN, as I discovered out west, was a violent schizophrenic. He got into a habit of tossing me around & literally kicking me out of the apartment. I spent less time inside & found myself sleeping in my car during the day.
J & I became inseparable over that summer, which was fine up until I forgot about TN’s birthday. That’s when he snapped, & started a fight with me in the parking lot at work. He said he didn’t like how much time I was spending with J, that I never came back to the apartment anymore. That’s when I let the festering resentment loose, & told him I didn’t like being demoted from future wife to surrogate mom. I screamed at him about the housework, the laundry, the fact that I was property & not a person in his eyes. He left the parking lot that night, came back later in the morning, & said that he had a surprise for me at home. I knew he had done the cleaning, but by then it was too little too late. I had my plans to be on my own. Nothing TN could say or do was going to change that.
One thing that TN did just before he moved back home that really did surprise me & restore a slight bit of respect for him: one night while I was in my new apartment, I started receiving harassing text messages from a number I didn’t recognize, calling me a dumb b*tch for leaving TN & so on. I called the police, had everything put on record, & they sent a unit to TN’s apartment to tell him there was now a verbal restraining order between him & myself. It wasn’t him sending the texts, but his new girlfriend. He called her up that night & told her that what happened between him & I was OUR business, not HERS. Then he dumped her.
I’m still out west, I still feel safe out here, & I have no plans or desires to go back to my hometown. Ever.
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