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I come from a very Mormon community in Utah where we were extremely conservative. Since I have been away from the kool-aide for a number of years now I’ve actually become a lot more sympathetic to the person who broke my heart.
I met a girl named Layla during an orientation to do missionary work in India. We were both headed to Mumbai and immediately clicked. We loved the same movies, were very religious, played soccer, and shared the pain of losing one of our parents just a year before. She was incredibly intelligent and beautiful and was more interested in foreign cultures and linguistics than pop culture. We had the same fascination with other cultures and languages. Enough so we did a large presentation when we returned to Utah in Salt Lake City about how the Mormon Church can become more culturally aware. This led to us getting hired by the church we loved to take up a full time ministry program that better prepared missionaries, exchange students, and Mormons traveling abroad.
Three years together and I was eager to get married. We loved being near each other and I see now we both did love each other, but not the same way.
When my sister Becky moved to Salt Lake City for college she moved in with Layla. We kissed plenty, but Layla wanted us to be pure for our wedding and to save ourselves. I wasn’t extremely persistent and understood. She was a woman that stuck to what she believed in, so I had no reason to doubt there was another motive.
We playfully spoke of marriage on and off. I bought her a ring and asked her to marry me. She did hesitate and take two days to decide, but she came back to me with a yes.
Now that we were engaged it was fun sitting down and planning our wedding. She seemed very interested at first, but soon became more and more distracted. Becky and her were spending more and more time together and she was spending less and less with me. For years we hadn’t not spoken for more than 48 hours, but I didn’t hear from her for a couple days and called her. No answer. Very irregular for her to not call back. I waited half a day before I called again. Worried, I contacted my sister and Becky was a bit hesitant, but assured me Layla was just busy and would get back to me.
Day six of no contact rolled around and I was assuming she had got cold feet about the wedding in two months. I went to her apartment to find the locks changed and the place vacant according to her neighbor we hung out with sometimes. He said my sister and Layla moved out a few days ago and said they were headed to Texas.
Immediately I called my sister and asked what was going on. She was quiet for a moment and I asked if she was still there. All Becky would tell me was that Layla would call me later and hung up.
Two days later as I was dozing on my sofa extremely confused and depressed when that call came. It was Layla. She asked me how I was and I told her I was hurt and worried. That is when she dropped a series of bombshells.
She said we couldn’t get married and I asked what was wrong. Layla told me she had no clue how to tell me or anyone, but she was a lesbian. She always was attracted to other women, but stayed in the closet. She assured me I was her best friend in the world and couldn’t even tell me. She assured me all the ‘I love yous’ were not a lie, but they weren’t the kind of love I had for her.
Then she cut me the deepest when she told me that her and Becky fell in love and had no way to tell me. Layla got a job offer in Texas and her and Becky were planning to leave even before I put the ring on her finger. Becky was waiting for the end of the semester so she could transfer colleges and transition easier. Layla said she originally was going to tell me when I popped the question and carried the weight of doing it for a couple days before going along with it. Supposedly the last 6 months when I asked her to marry me has been Becky angrily telling Layla to just come clean with me and cut it off.
I asked her how she could just up and leave and abandon me without a word. She stayed silent. I told her I deserved an answer and that we sat planning a wedding that she knew wouldn’t happen. I told her how foolish I felt. She told me, “I can’t do this.” The phone went dead.
I didn’t tell anyone what happened. Layla’s family and my family began hounding me for information about where the two of them went and what was going on. All I did was send them a MySpace (2006, mind you) saying the family was worried and they should call them. They eventually did, but said nothing about why or where.
I had built my life around Layla. Everything around me reminded me of her. I wasn’t one of the naive folks who believed Layla could ‘pray the gay away’. I was very angry with her, but I knew it was over and there was no sense in making her feel guilty. I ended up moving east and finally went to college instead of just working ministry the rest of my life.
Years later the families do know as Layla and Becky got married in Washington DC last year. A few months before Layla messaged me on Facebook apologizing and telling me I deserved better and for her to be open with me. That I was her best friend and she should have believed in me and loved me enough to face me. I think a few months before that I already had managed to forgive her as I found a real special girl in my life. I even began to patch things up with Becky and teased her at her wedding that I found another keeper and not to steal this one. I watched them both get married on Christmas Eve of 2011.
I was angry with her. There are moments it still does hurt to think about. But, I know none of it was to be malicious. Loving her I can’t help but to sympathize with her and realize she was hurting, scared, and facing being a shunned pariah to her family, friends, and community. I was hurt I lost my best friend and the person I thought was the love of my life.
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