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I have always chosen seclusion. When I was six there was an electrical fire in my home and I suffered severe burns to my face, right shoulder, and much of my chest. I tried kindergarten and first grade at public school, but other children were scared of me, disgusted with me, or mistreated me. Even the school recommended home schooling as there were too many discipline issues they had to deal with due to kids mistreating me. They admitted to my mother that there was little they would be able to do about the bullying and teasing.
The city was actually willing to pay for a tutor for me because my mother was a single parent and the breadwinner. She couldn’t stay home and home school me.
I grew up awkward and aside from cousins who would visit and a few friends of my younger brother who became my friends as well I grew up solitary. I was a good student and devoured books and as a 12 year old in the mid-90s got into the internet when our library first got it. I haunted the library for over a year being there almost every day after lessons. I spent so much time online reading and chatting. Chat became my social outlet in adolescence. I could finally comfortably communicate with people without them looking away uncomfortable or making small talk and leaving. It was the only way I could talk to girls.
My mother used her tax return in 1996 to buy me my first computer. She eventually opted for a second phone line too due to how often I was on. I spent a lot of time chatting and playing games (i.e. Neverwinter Nights, Chess, Warcraft II). Cyberspace was the only place I could reach out and talk to people.
In time I got heavily into EverQuest and finished high school. I went to college and got into computer engineering, but preferred night courses for most of my classes due to fewer folks. I had developed quite the social disease from years of being solitary and was anxious around a lot of people. I also loved the more hands on attention in the smaller courses. Eventually I earned by BS in 2004 and got an awesome job working for Dell.
The only girlfriends I ever had were online. We’d talk, we’d develop feelings, and no matter how much I prepared them by telling them what happened to me and what I looked like they weren’t able to deal. Some were honest and admitted we could only be friends and they wouldn’t ever be attracted to me. One I had spoken to for over a year disappeared online two days after finally showing her a photo of me.
I started to try personals sites. I didn’t put up a picture, but wrote it was a disclaimer up front. There were some nice girls, but none interested in anything I was.
Until I met Kaja.
She was an Estonian electronics engineer who was four years older than me and had a small son. Her high school and college both were English speaking schools, so she had a wonderful grasp on the language. She was educated, silly, and she loved playing chess with me on Yahoo! Games. I was very scared of losing this one 6 months into talking with her and chatting on Skype with her. She was beautiful too which made it even more frightening. At her insistence I finally did show her my picture and was surprised to find out it didn’t seem to change how she felt about me. Just a month after she asked what I thought about her coming to America.
Her certifications didn’t line up well with ones at my job site, but Dell had a pretty awesome program to bring in foreign workers as they wanted to branch out worldwide and build a workforce for it. Kaja and I met and the first thing she did was hug me and kiss the burned side of my face. Her son was scared of me and distant at first, but playing a lot of Mario Kart and Guitar Hero fixed that over time.
Kaja living with me originally was planned to be temporary with me being her sponsor. But, just weeks into living with me she asked if I wanted to marry her. This was when her son (9 at the time) was still hesitant about me, but I jumped at it still.
She didn’t want to wait for a big wedding with my family as she just started her job at Dell. On a 4th of July weekend we flew to Las Vegas and got married at her insistence. I was real uncomfortable as she pushed me to go to shows and hang out, but she insisted. I came to realize here she was a bit of a party girl as she liked to stay out very late and drink until she was sick.
Coming home she drank every evening. A sizeable amount of her paycheck was being drank away. I barely touched a drop as my mother didn’t allow alcohol in the house. I began to notice we’d only have sex if she was wasted.
Still, I was happy not being alone. I was happy having a son that started to become my little buddy. He got into swimming at the YMCA and was obsessed with soccer. Both of them I was at every meet, game, and a lot of the practices. I began the expensive process of international adoption with him.
Kaja had a male cousin back home that she said she grew up with named Olev. They talked frequently as she did with a lot of her female cousins and brothers and I thought nothing of it. A year into our marriage she asked if I would sponsor Olev so he could come to America and escape the poor economy in Estonia. He got a job with UPS and we converted our attic into a bedroom for him. I knew from the moment I met him he didn’t like me which I assumed was because I was an American, was disfigured, was wealthy compared to an Estonian, etc.
A month before our second wedding anniversary Kaja finally got her green card. The following month her son did too. Olev was spending a lot of time with our son at first, but soon my son was uncomfortable around him and his mother. Kaja was drinking as usual and starting to go out every other night with Olev since I was really socially anxious in public places. It originally was supposed to be one night of a week but in three weeks became her being out more than half the time.
My son and I were going to have a special weekend for his 13th birthday. He was now a teenager and we were going to go fishing for a couple days at the lake. Olev for weeks kept asking if he could come and was displeased he couldn’t. He complained to me that he was part of the family too and should come. He spoke to Kaja and she insisted I bring Olev too. Frustrated, I told them this was father and son time and it seemed to enrage Olev even more. Finally I asked my son while Kaja was present what he wanted as it was his weekend. He insisted it just be us. Kaja told Olev that evening and apparently yelled and hollered at my son while I was helping a co-worker move into his apartment. I came home and everyone in the house was red faced from crying, but nobody would tell me what was wrong.
That Friday my son and I left. On the five hour trip he asked me if I loved him. I assured him I did very much. He asked me if anything would ever make me disown him. That was a strange question, but I assured him that no matter what I was always his father.
That is when my 13 year old adopted son had the courage to tell me the truth.
Kaja and Olev weren’t cousins. They were married. My son was their son. Unable to find work or opportunity in Estonia they planned to come to the US. Kaja was talking to a lot of American guys online and I was the catch. He knew this ever since he was 9 when we started talking. Kaja was planning on leaving me the moment Olev got his green card. He told me Kaja also was slowly taking money from our joint account and building a nest egg to leave. My son told me he was getting scared for me because Olev was becoming extremely jealous and angry at how close him and his son were. That his son was preferring to spend time with me. He was angry he wasn’t coming to the birthday weekend and swore a couple nights ago during a screaming match that he would kill me if he had the chance. Kaja and Olev yelled and screamed at him to better treat his real father and that I was not going to be in his life soon.
After hearing this there was no way I was going home or letting my son go home. We went to my mother’s and I called Kaja and asked her who Olev really was. She denied it for 45 minutes, crying and accusing me of not trusting her. The story then changed to he was her husband, but they didn’t love each other and she was just trying to help him start a new life, to finally that she was still in love with him, but loved me more.
Olev called the house and left many threatening voicemails. Enough so that when Kaja called the police and they came to my mother’s house I could let them see why I wasn’t letting my son go home to them. She could visit all she wanted, but I was his legal parent and Olev wasn’t and was dangerous.
Two days of ignoring Kaja’s calls I finally agreed to speak with her. I definitely wanted a divorce and wanted to discuss how we were going to end it. The minute I told her that the feigned hysterics, tears, and woeful lover routine stopped and she casually made her demands. She wanted me to continue to sponsor Olev and I could keep the house and she get her car. If I didn’t she’d try and take half the house and demand alimony. She wanted to take our son, but I told her it was up to him where he wanted to go. That immediately terminated the call.
My tires were slashed and the windows in the back of my mother’s house were smashed in, but I wasn’t going to buckle to the fear. I paid to fix the windows and repaired my car. I bought a gun for the first time in my life. The one time I can convince my son to get the phone when Kaja called for him she yells at him for telling me everything.
It turns out ICE doesn’t take marriage fraud lightly. Kaja wasn’t deported as she had her son here, but Olev was and barred from re-entry. In the year long waiting period for the divorce Kaja tried to reconcile with me, but I wouldn’t even consider it no matter how lonely I was. I am told she had a string of boyfriends in our city, but when they all found out about me and her son they all ditched. She eventually moved back to Estonia to go be with Olev.
She has been gone for four years now. Do I regret meeting her? I regret the pain it caused, but I wouldn’t trade my son for it. He just started college this year. I reached out to that woman because I didn’t want to be alone. Now I’m not.
The biggest lesson in this for me was that all the people I didn’t really know that hurt me or humiliated me couldn’t hold a candle to how the person I loved did. The deepest pain of all comes from those who are supposed to love us.
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