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I Couldn’t Be the One
I’ll probably never know the truth, but I am wiling to bet everything that I own that my ex-boyfriend’s mother is the reason we aren’t together anymore. We were together happily for 8 months before we went down to visit his family, and by the end of that extended weekend, he was calling it quits. Our relationship was never complicated before, we had even talked about getting married, but I really think that he just couldn’t handle his family and their opinions of us. He is African-American and I am White. For us, love had no color and we were just two people who were deeply in love. We knew that racial issues still existed but I had no idea that we would find them in our very own families.
My boyfriend had met my family before and was accepted just like any other family member. He played basketball, baseball and soccer, and got along great with the guys in my family. My mom and aunts loved him because he could cook so well. Although I wish I could say the same for his family, I don’t think I ever really stood a chance. When we first got there, they were having a family party. We walked in and you would have thought that I had two heads with the looks I got. I sat awkwardly in the living room, trying to make conversation with his family, but one of his female cousins kept challenging everything I was saying. I just gave up and watched television. His mom was no better at welcoming me and actually made things 10 times worse. She immediately started questioning me about my ethnicity, wanting to know if I was “all white” or mixed, and where and how I had grown up. I told her that I was in fact white, and had grown up nicely in the northern area of the state. Nothing fancy, just a nice upbringing. Mine was the wrong answer, because then she goes into what I don’t know about being black and how I couldn’t raise black children, and so on. I wasn’t going to sit and be belittled and embarrassed, so I told her that it would be our job as parents to raise children of mixed heritage, and that we were not close-minded to finding love outside of our race. That opened the flood gates, and before I knew it, we or I was the butt of every joke. His brother kept calling him “Roger” in what I guess was supposed to be a white guy’s voice, and he called me Becky. Things actually got a little heated when his female cousin tried to do the same thing and I said it was just ignorant.
I have never wanted to leave a place so badly, but I stayed and acted like a gracious guest for my boyfriend’s sake. On the plane ride back home, he starts talking about our visit and about our relationship, and about how he had really been thinking and thought that we were just too different to have a serious future. I couldn’t believe that after putting up with such horrible people for his sake, he was willing to dump me just to appease them. That was a month ago that we broke up. He has called me a few times and tried to hang out, but I refuse to be demoted to a mere booty call because he’s too ashamed of what his family thinks.
57 Comments to I Couldn’t Be the One
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Racism is alive and well, apparently. I am sorry for you and your boyfriend, especially your boyfriend. Racism is an uphill battle that you are not likely to win.
Good for you for refusing to be a booty call. You deserve more than that. Stay away from that dysfunctional disaster of a family.
Articulate, smart, exhibits very good decision-making skills… are you sure you posted on the right site?
This sucks hun, but just think, you never have to deal with his family again. Keep being you and I’m sure someone with a spine who loves you for you will come around.
You will find yourself someone much better. Someone who will stick up for you in front of his family and not let them talk down to you. You’re obviously very smart and will do well in life. Get your girls and have a night out and forget about all this crap you’ve gone through. New year…new everything! Best of luck OP!
I’m glad you have self-respect. This man and his family do not deserve to have the gem you are in their family treasure chest. Although, I’m certain there aren’t any gems in that treasure chest. So, they wouldn’t know a good woman if she sat in the same room with them. Oh wait – they didn’t!
Racism happens in all races. It’s only that people refuse to think racism can go in every direction. Have a happy New Year. I’m certain the universe will have a reward for you.
Apparently love does know color. He know more wanted a realationship with you or else he would have stayed. He just likes white meat. Get over and stick with your own kind.
OP.. While it is easy to use the race card as justification for your boyfriend’s departure the situation could have been the same with a family of the same race. I am willing to wager that his family would have criticized a black woman if she didn’t conform to their standards. I know there are families where everyone is in each other’s business and families that respect each others choices. But at the same time there are significant others that will stand for what they believe in (or love) and others that will fold and do what their family wants. You found out everything with very little time invested. Relationships are an investment. Sometimes you lose your ass and sometimes you strike it rich. Be thankful for your minimal losses and keep that experience in mind. Intolerance comes in many forms and no one is exempt.
I wish you luck with your next relationship.
Its okay for a black fellow to date a white woman but nothing serious… marriage or kids is taboo, maybe you flipped that switch? Its not okay for a black woman to have anything to do with a white male…
On the the same subject… have you ever noticed how in multicultural advertising its always a colored man with a white female but never a colored women with a white man ? I was actually taught that, big taboo in advertising !!
colored?
fuck me.
*holds head*
No problem with me using the word “white” though
Can you say emasculated ?
Seriously, if no one backs me this time Im fucking done.
I think you posted in the wrong place because…you’re articulate, grammar, punctuation..etc.
Also good for you for not feeding into that dysfunctional mess.
Just Me, the term “colored” harkens back to several decades ago… in other words, the terminology is very retro… Um, Civil Rights Era, kinda…
@Justme,
Yes, it is just you. I grew up in a church where there were many black men married to white women. It’s not taboo. Only morons like you think that it is taboo. In fact, you are missing out on many customers if you think that is taboo.
I’d get all PC and jump on the use of the word “colored” as well, but my black friend at work has desensitized me to racist terms by saying phrases like “Now that’s what we call n*igga rigging,” when I walk by and see these ridiculous contraptions he builds out of tape and sticks to accommodate his doctors. It’s never a dull day when he is around, that’s for sure.
He has also told me that the holy grail for black men to marry is usually a heavyset, white blonde woman, so not sure why JustMe thinks that black men think marrying them is taboo.
Colored? Step into the 21st century, Just Me. That term is antiquated, not to mention derogatory. And your entire comment is just ignorant!
OP, You can’t fix stupid, and his family will always be just that. Move on and find someone as articulate and intelligent as you seem to be.
I feel like as long as the N word isn’t dropped everything else is not so bad. It may be old school but it’s a hell of a lot better than the N word.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
Yeah, I have a hard time with the word, ‘ninny,’ too.
I kid, I kid.
I’ll use the word nincompoop as much as I want! AMERICA!!
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Here is a small anecdote which has nothing to do with racism, not even a break up. It’s just about human nature and a man’s relationship with his mother:
My boyfriend was 15 yrs older than me. He was shy and also very reticent about making a commitment. Not cheating at all, just reticent. Never said he loved me, was very embarassed when I showed my affection. He rarely complimented me, but we were raised by very old fashioned people who were sparing with compliments. He acted embarassed when I complimented him. I was philosophical, I could see he appreciated and was very fond of me.
One day he said his parents were visiting his sister and we were invited to visit them. He looked forward to seeing his parents after several years, even though he wasn’t interested in visiting his sister. We arrive after a long drive and everyone had a pleasant chat, all was ordinary. But he was so nervous, he twirled his hat furiously in his hand and chewed gum like mad. I had never seen my laid back easy going fellow so wound up. Everyone was looking. Finally, I walked across the room and took away the hat and said quietly “Calm down, you are acting so nervous.” I sat down again and he settled down enough that people stopped looking at him.
The conversation stopped and we all said good night, I heard my boyfriend ask his mother “What do you think of her?” she said “She’s very nice.”
We went to bed, and that night my boyfriend said two things he had never said before “You are so pretty.” and “I love you”
Did I melt with tenderness and gratitude? No. My first thought was, “How obvious. He feels better about me because he got the seal of approval from his mother.”
Incidentally, he rarely called or wrote to his mother. He wasn’t a mama’s boy at all but her opinion sure counted! (She also said he was her favorite child..)
We eventually got married. He was a good sport, good sense of humor, earned good money.
I think it wasn’t just racism in this story but that the boyfriend could not go against MOM when she made her dismay so clear. I bet even if everyone in his family was upset about the mixed couple but his mother said “It’s OK with me, just be happy.” that couple would be married today.
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