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Willing to Share
I’m going to try to keep this as short as I can….My boyfriend of 3 years was back in town for the weekend visiting from college. There was nothing fishy about his behavior, and things went as usual in the days before our breakup. We talked and texted several times a day, and would video chat at night. Even though he was only 2 hours away, it felt like we were miles apart, so I really appreciated his making an effort to stay in touch with me all of the time. He got in Friday afternoon, and I rushed over to his house to spend time with him. We had a great time together, just enjoying our time together and catching up. I ended up spending the night at his house that night. We didn’t do anything special, just ordered food and watched movies. I noticed that he was texting an awful lot, like holding full on conversations via text. When I asked him about it, he just said it was everyone at home trying to make plans to hang out with him. It sounded reasonable enough, so I just went on with the night.
Something in my gut said things weren’t right, so later that night while he was asleep, I opened his text messages and read them. There were a few from friends at home wanting to see him, but the majority were between him and some girl . They talked about him coming back home to her and got really sexually explicit. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It felt like some kind of horrible dream I was having. I snatched the pillow from under his head and demanded to know what was going on. To my surprise, he flipped it back on me and started going on about me reading his texts. We had a whispered argument (his parents were in their room sleeping, so I didn’t want to wake them). Then he told me that for the past 5 months he had been dating this girl he went to school with. She had practically moved into his place with him, they were in love, but he just didn’t know how to end things with me. I was absolutely crushed, and to top it all off, she knew about me! She had no problem sharing him until he was ready to leave me for good. Most of the time we had talked or video chatted, she had been sitting right there. My boyfriend apologized, then asked me to get my stuff and go home, at 3 in the morning! He called me once to check up on me, but other than that, we have never talked about things.
22 Comments to Willing to Share
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I’m noticing a huge trend on these posts lately. Do all of the OPs who say “everything was fine” honestly believe it was all fine or are they just in a willful state of ignorance?
3 am. Thats an excellent time to start a fight. Maybe next time you read a text you dont like… You could just… I dont know… Dump him instead that morning. You would be far less humilated. You could always call up girl number since they had an open relationship and let her know about some fictious std you happen to have and let her know he didn’t want to use a condom with you again. Sure its petty and childish, but so is what he did. I’m not saying fight fire with fire, but I am saying don’t start a fight a 3 am at his parents house.
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This is another cautionary tale about the failure to give mouth hugs. That is all.
This just in: 2 hours IS miles away. 240 miles, give or take.
I know personally, that with few to no exceptions, whatever my fiance was doing or whatever time of the day or the night, if I read texts like that I would be talking to her that moment. I dont care if she’s in the middle of a meeting or a performance. Every second I wait to get an answer is me getting that much more upset.
OP, you seem ok, and I think you will be ok. Your bf was classless, and his new gf is a typical college yutz. Good riddance I think…
Before anyone else bashes you for reading his texts, don’t let them. Reading through another person’s text/emails/diary/whatever, can be seen as a jealous and controlling move and somewhat creepy at the same time.
But as someone else who read through texts to discover cheating behavior, I’m glad I did it. At that point, there’s nothing in the relationship to salvage.
Well, I AM going to bash you for reading his texts. But first, method of discovery notwithstanding, dude was a complete asshole and a coward for playing you like that, and you are better off without him. The real shame is that you didn’t get the chance to dump him.
That said, I’m guessing it had been months since you had last seen him, right? And you “didn’t do anything special”? Was it he that didn’t want any action, or you? I hope that was him, else there may be some insight as to why he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by the existing relationship. It sure as hell wouldn’t justify the cheating and leading you on, but it would justify seeking greener pastures.
Anyway, about the texts, you like people snooping in your shit? Then you know what that makes you, right? Further justification for dumping you (but still not cheating/leading-on).
Nikki, need to re-check your math, darlin’. Unless you’re in the habit of going 120…
Reader, same goes for you. Unless you like people invading your privacy, by definition, that makes you a hypocrite. As long as you accept that fact, I don’t actually see that big a problem with it.
Since the interstate speed limit where I live is 70… 2 hours would be 120-140 miles depending on traffic and such. Which is a decent distance. Now I don’t speak for OP since I have no clue where she lives, but 2 hours isn’t exactly a long trip for a visit for either of you. That is assuming atleast one of you has a car.
fell8 I agree snooping only leads to bad outcomes. Either you find something that causes you to go apeshit, or you find nothing and they go apeshit.
Sorry, I forgot to calculate for folks who don’t live in Montana.
This is going to be a long one. Go back now while there is still time.
I disagree with fell8 and McKinley both respectfully and completely.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again, if the average non-crazy-jealous person feels the urge to snoop, there is a reason why. Ok, let me qualify that, no non-crazy ADULT feels the urge to snoop without a reason. I am NOT saying keep your sig other under surveillance but when you think \something is not right\ guess what… something is not right.
No amount of business trips or girls nights out are going to make me feel that urge, but if its compounded with a sudden drop off in communication or erratic behaviors? I’m hittin the ole text inbox. I fully expect the same from my fiance, and for this and many reasons I dont cheat. Who has time to hide all their evidence?
All relationships are different, yes, but snooping in such a case has 1 of two outcomes.
1) You find nothing. You apologize for snooping and it opens the floor to \the concerns I was having when we talked about it before (you did talk about them right?) were bothing me so much I couldnt stop myself from snooping. I was totally wrong to doubt you.\ This will likely cause an argument, but arguments at their best are communication. If they get super bent out of shape about this, chances are you were just looking in the wrong inbox.
or 2) you confirm the worst. Youve discovered it earlier than you would have \naturally\ and you can kick the cheater to the curb with less mess. Showing a cheater the door after 10 years marriage is still better than after 12 or 20 years.
Also, the boyfriend got off EASY. She ripped the pillow out from under him at 3am. She could have superglued his hand to his face or hit him with the old bucket of ice water. Actual violence or destruction of property/throwing things is however, stupid and illegal.
If this was anyone but your sig other the rule is 100% privacy. With the person you have sworn your fidelity to it is best to take a tactic of NOT HAVING OBJECTIONABLE MATERIAL TO FIND. Not offering up to your gf that you enjoy pictures of naked women stomping grapes barefoot? Fine. Discussing with your ex over text nostalgia about that thing she used to do with a commemerative statue of liberty and hand cuffs? Things are getting dicy. Telling the girl from work what you want to (or have done) with her in the office paper closet? Absolutely positively wrong… you needed your \privacy\ to engage in deceit, chumping your person, etc.
In short… OP’s visa to the lunar colony has been approved for 1 month.
Well, James, I did say not a big problem. But the hypocrisy call stands, for those who snoop while expecting their own privacy to be respected. You’ll notice I included that qualifier with my previous mentions.
Then there’s a question of degree. Married couples are abstractly considered one person in the eyes of the law/society/God, and therefore something akin to “full-access” is justified and expected. Fiancee situations, such as yours, are the next step down. You’ve committed to each other but haven’t taken the vows, and thus are still technically separate individuals. That you choose to behave as married is commendable, but that’s between you and your SO, and not the set standard.
Now we examine OP’s situation. We know: 1) they were in an LTR, but 2) they weren’t living together and 3)when he came home, he stayed with his parents. Further, based on the story’s subtext and “negative space”, I get the distinct impression that their visits were neither frequent nor regular, and the niggling feeling that most, if not all, were the product of his efforts (I could be way-off on this one, but if I’m right, it might speak to her level of commitment). It’s impossible to say exactly what level of commitment they were at, but clearly it was nowhere near that of marriage, or even your own. Ergo, the level of implied access-rights is also nowhere near equivalent.
Besides, how many times have we read about controlling/abusive SOs not respecting space and privacy? I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…
I agree with Mook on this one. Giving mouth hugs would have made this entire mess nonexistant. Also, would it have killed you to use the dildo in front of the computer while you guys were Skyping? Honestly!
It makes me a hypocrite because I find that snooping in an already ruined relationship doesn’t mean the same as keeping your SO under constant surveillance? It really doesn’t matter at that point because the relationship was doomed to failure. fell8, if you’d rather be cheated on for months or even years rather than find out right away, that’s all well and good. Not everyone else does.
And yes, I do expect respect to my privacy from people. I expect respect from those I treat with respect. If you don’t treat me with respect, I have no reason to respect you. (i.e., if you’re cheating on me in a relationship.)
And no, I’m not a hypocrite for it, sorry.
Rationalize all you want, Reader, won’t change the word’s definition.
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